I loved him
by tatibsblp
Summary: based on a possible Kate centric episode. She left the island thinking James is dead. but she has to move on for someone really special in her life. Please review. Thanks


Kate centric episode.

She left the island thinking James is dead. but she has to move on for someone really special in her life.

Please review.

Thanks

**I Loved him.**

James approached the beach, along with Claire, Hurley, Alex and Karl. Quickly scanning the area, he was surprised to see life at the beach camp seemed the same as when they left. He saw Jin and Bernard fishing and some guys at the kitchen table having breakfast. It was all the same as usual, like it had become a routine for them since the plane crash. He saw the redheaded woman, Charlotte, and some geek he never had seen before, standing next to her, reading a book.  
The only thing he was worried about was finding Kate. He went toward her tent and he remembered it was blown up few days ago. _Where is she then?_ he wondered. He asked Sun, but she said she didn't know. The last place that crossed his mind was in fact his own tent. He had doubts, but he went there anyway. To his surprise, she was there, apparently sleeping. _God, she is beautiful,_ he thought. "What I should do?" he whispered to himself. He was angry, oh yeah, he was, but he was miserable, too. It had been more than a week without hearing any news from the beach or from her. He messed up that morning, first with the pregnancy exclamation, and to top that off, accusing her of jumping back and forth between Jack and him. She had told Claire before she left that that really hurt her.

Suddenly she was looking at him. Unable to say anything to each other, she stood up. James reached out to hold onto her because she lost balance for a moment.

"Let me go."

"Hell, Freckles, if I do you…"

"Let me go now." She looked pale, like she was about to get sick.

"Kate what wrong with ya?"

No words came out her. If she could have, she would run outside the tent, but he was holding her tight. _What's going on with me?_ she thought. Almost whispering, she said "Please let me go." But it was too late. In a very fast move she just threw up on his shirt.

"Damn, my shirt…Freckles." When he looked at her, she was even paler than before and looked physically sick. "Wow, you better lay down for a moment. I'll get the doc," Sawyer said, both surprised and worried.

As he helped her lay down on the bed, or what he had been using as a bed for the last 3 months, a bunch of plane seat cushions, a blanket, and a plane pillow. It was not exactly comfortable, but at least it was something.

"I don't need the doc," Kate said, with a bit of a sarcastic tone.

"Ok, fine," Sawyer said, annoyed. "But you look terrible. Are you sick?" He was a little more worried now.  


"No, I'm not sick, James." She kept her eyes closed for a while.

"So…"

"So, what??"

"Are you going to tell me the truth or you are going to wait until your water breaks?"

She suddenly opened her eyes and looked at him with a surprised expression on her face.

"How do you…?" almost imperceptible for him to hear.

"Are you?" She nodded. "Why did you lie to me?" She didn't answer. "Answer me. Why did you lie to me before?" Sawyer was getting impatient and getting angry again.

In an abrupt tone, she said, "Because you don't care about me anymore," as tears started to run down her cheeks.

"What are you talking about?" He was a bit bitter and angry.

"You left me. You left me, and you went with Locke. You left me." She was still crying. "And then when I was there, you proposed to me, to _play house_. It doesn't make any sense. If I hadn't gone there, you would have never seen me again," she said, sobbing.

"What do you want from me, Freckles? What do you want from me?" He was irritated, but her words were breaking his heart in millions of pieces.

"I want you. I want you to come with me. I can't stay here, I just can't, not now."

"I know. Sally told me what could happen to ya if you stay here, so are you, or not? Are you pregnant, or…??"

"Yes, I am. I went to the barracks to convince you to come with me, because I need you."

Her sobs became more like a cry, and he couldn't help it, his anger was gone. He just held her in his arms as long as he could and he said "I'll go. I'm going with ya."

Flash forward.

Kate was in a room. The walls were blue with clouds. She was looking through the window, and she listening the song "Do You Remember" from Phil Collins. It was the tape he gave to her when they were on the island. Tears came streaming down her checks as the words of the song were in her thoughts:

_'Cos I love you, but I can't take any more  
There's a look I can't describe in your eyes  
Yes we could try, like we tried before  
When you kept on telling me those lies_

Was he trying to tell her something? Every time she listened to the tape she got emotional. She couldn't help it, and she couldn't stop crying. But this time was different, he loved her. He loved her no matter what, he just loved her. And suddenly she felt a sharp pain inside her. She took a deep breath and when out of the room, when another pain took her over. She cried out loud, and a woman came to help her. She was small and chubby, but with an adorable face and really sweet smile. Her name was Molly.

"It's alright, let's go to your bedroom."

"I can't move." She had her hands around her big belly as she felt it again, the same pain she felt before.

"Yes, you can, just relax, take a deep breath. Good, let's go; I need to call Dr. Stevens, it's time."

They walked down the hallway. She helped Kate lay down on her bed. There was a big painting of a beautiful beach on the wall of her bedroom, just in front of the bed.

"Just take deep breaths every time you feel a contraction," the woman said as she moved to the night stand and took the phone with her free hand. During the call Kate squeezed her other hand. Molly knew why, but it didn't matter to her. "She is on her way. Keep breathing, you are doing fine, just breathe. Good."

End of Flash forward

--

Kate and James were in inside the tent. It was getting darker; the sun was hiding behind the hill. The color inside was a combination of orange and blue, every minute it got darker.

"Sorry about your shirt" she whispered. Kate had her head rested on Sawyer's chest; he wasn't wearing any shirt now.

"Don't mind, I better get used to it." His voice sounded funny.

"What do you mean? That I'll keep throwing up on your shirt every morning 'til the morning sickness stops? " She was smiling. He knew that; he could feel it.

"Hell, it will be on me and on you." He giggled, making fun of the whole idea.

"What? You think I'm gonna get sick every morning for the next 8 months?? It's only going to be for about 2 months" she said hopefully, "and what do you mean by this throwing up on both of us?"

"Hell Freckles, don't you know? The babies throw up more than what they eat."

"How do you know that?" she said amused.

"Because I've seen movies, and they throw up on everything."

She couldn't help it but the conversation was too funny to be real, and she laughed, but it turned into a soft sobs. "This isn't a joke, James, I…I'm so scared." the sobs turned into a cry, tears were once again falling down her checks.

"Hey, hey, look at me." He took her head with his hands and he made her look at him. His touch was soft and gentle. "You are gonna be alright. I'm gonna do this… we are gonna do this, together." With his thumbs he removed the tears.

He took her head close to his and like a magnet, as their lips came close, they kissed each other with the same passion, and it took them over. As he kissed her, he started to take her shirt off, slowly, from the first button to the last one. When he was done, he kissed her neck and then moved down, kissing each spot possible until he reached her belly. He took some time there. He kissed her as she caressed his hair. Her face had a peaceful smile. But he wasn't through, and he started on her pants. He unfastened the clasp of her pants and worked the zipper down, taking them off, first one leg then the other. She didn't make any resistance. Next they were in a sitting position, and he took her shirt off, and worked on her bra, without stopping kissing her, on her neck, on her chin, everywhere possible. She felt her bra falling down off her breasts.

The situation wasn't fair; she was completely naked but he wasn't, and in the moment where they were looking into each other eyes, like he read her thoughts, he unbelted his jeans and unzipped them at the same time. Now the scene was fair, and she could feel his breath on her neck and his hands on her back, caressing her. He could feel her breasts against his chest. He read her like a book; he knew what she wanted, what she needed, but they had time. _We have time_ he thought. 

But maybe not; tonight was probably the last one together, before the rescue, of course. What was going to happen next, hell if he knew, but he didn't want to waste another night. She was his everything.

"Love me" he heard her whisper and she repeated again, "Love me." After what seemed like an eternity, they laid down on the bed. He kissed her as he started to move in her, and she arched her back to make more room, to make him increase the rhythm, but no, he wanted to take his time. He wanted to love her, he keep his hand on her. She was so sensitive now, and she started to feel the first wave of the pleasure. She was his, completely his. Her body belonged to him, the life growing inside her belonged to him, her heart belonged to him. But she wasn't able to tell him that, to tell him how much she loved him. Not tonight, but they have time, they have time.

Flash forward

Kate was in her bedroom, her face not as peaceful as before. This time she was in pain. She was sweating and crying, and this pain, she couldn't take it anymore.

"Kate you have to do this. I know it hurts, honey, I know, but it has to be this way," a sweet voice said.

"I can't, I CAN'T!"

"Kate, we can't take you to a hospital, not with your status. They would want to know every detail of this, and you know it has to be this way, the most secret as it could be. We agreed to this…"

"I never thought it would be so painful" she cried.

"No one said it wouldn't, but your baby is coming, now, so just push as hard as you can, and it's gonna be over soon."

"I can't, I can't be a mother. They are gonna take him away from me, and I want him."

"No one, listen to me, no one is going to take your baby from you, OK?" Dr. Stevens made an emphasis on NO ONE. Did she know something? Did she know what would happen to this baby, if they found out he was born already? Did she know why Kate was so afraid someone would take him away from her? Kate made an arrangement with her lawyer, but was someone else behind all of this? Was someone behind her baby?

"Kate, honey, it's gonna be alright, I'm here with you, and I'm gonna be here for the baby too. You can count on me, you know that?" Molly said. She was really sweet. "Just push, come on push."

Kate was pushing as hard as she could. "Excellent, come on push, push, push, push." Molly was the 

best support in the moment, but Kate only needed one person, and he wasn't with her. What was more painful, giving birth, or the pain in her heart because he wasn't with her?

"I can't, I can't do this anymore. I'm so tired."

"Yeah I know, hon, you have been doing this for more than 12 hours, but it's gonna be over soon. The top of his head is almost there, just push, he is here, he is here." Molly said.

"Excellent, you are doing great, Kate, just push, I can see the top of his head, come on this is the easy part," Dr. Stevens said with a smile, trying to make Kate feel better.

Kate gave her a fake smile; this was not a moment for jokes, not only because she was in pain, but also because she probably wasn't going to see the rest of his life. She didn't want to get hurt; she didn't want to let James hurt her. But this was different, and she didn't want to get so attached to this baby, because she wasn't going to be part of him, and it really hurt her already, or she was confusing the labor pain with that. But She kept pushing harder, more each time she felt a contraction. She remembered that moment on the island when he told her how strong she was in every sense of the word. He always was in her thoughts, every time she felt the baby moving inside her, every kick. But now he was going to be outside, and she wondered what he was going to be like. How he was going to look. How he is going to feel.

The moment she had been waiting for all these months, the moment she was so afraid of, had come, and with one last push, and one last scream, "JAMES!!" she heard his cry. It was strong. She opened her eyes and saw him. As soon as she saw him, she cried, but this time it was of happiness that the pain was over. Dr. Erika and Molly were right, it was over, and now she felt overjoyed just to look at him.

Dr. Erika placed him in her arms. The baby was crying but as soon as he was in his mother's arms, the cries stopped suddenly, and he looked at her. The feeling was over overwhelming, like nothing she had ever felt before. She looked into his eyes and she saw _him_. He was there, in her baby, in _their_ baby

"He is beautiful, Kate." Molly had a big smile on her face. She had been with Kate all these months, helped her with the nursery, and even when Kate never said how she felt about that, she could see on her face, that smile every pregnant woman had when they look at the empty crib, just thinking one day there is going to be a baby in there. She was happy for Kate.

Kate held him for a moment, and the time stopped. Then she felt Dr. Erika's hands on the baby.

"What are you doing? Where are you taking him?" she asked, alarmed.  


"Kate, don't worry, I'm just going to check …"

"Why? Is he alright? Is he healthy?"

"Of course, he is healthy, but I just need to check him. It's normal, and also to clean him, and cover him with the blanket. Molly can you…?"

"Absolutely." Looking at Kate, Molly said, "He is gonna be with you in few minutes."

Again Molly was right, Dr. Erika just put him on the other side of the bed. Kate watched as the doctor checked him. He was crying, but it didn't last long. Molly covered him with a blue blanket and the traditional hat on his tiny head, and laid him back in her arms again.

End of Flash Forward

The tent was dark now, with only a subtle light from a gas lamp behind the bed. Kate was only wearing one of Sawyer's shirts, just like the first time, in the cages. Sawyer was resting his head on her stomach, making small circles with his fingers on her belly. That really make her feel happy, just those simple caresses. "Are you awake?" she asked.

"Yes" He sounded sleepy.

"James?" she asked again.

"Yeah" he sounded annoyed this time. "What?"

"Sorry, that's ok, keep sleeping," she said, kinda sad.

" I'm awake, what is it? Do you feel ok?" His tone was annoyed, but a little worried.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just need to ask you a question."

"Shoot."

"Are we really going to do this? Are we really going to play house?"

"I already told ya how I feel. I told ya we should give it a try."

"I don't want to fight, but I just need to know."

"You know I want to; now do you want to?"  


"But it can't be here. You know that, right?" She was trying to contain her tears. "I want to. I can't do this by myself. I need you."

He crawled up to face her, moved her curly hair behind her ears, and he kissed her on the nose, and then on her lips.

"Freckles, you are strong, and you can do anything you want. You can do this and you will. The only difference is I'm going to be there, but I'm sure you can do this."

She couldn't contain the tears and they started to fall down. "I'm so scared." He held onto her arms and rocked her back and forth.

Flash Forward

Kate was in the nursery room, sitting in a rocking chair next to the window, her baby in her arms. She couldn't stop looking at him. He was beautiful, he was perfect, nothing was wrong with him, absolutely nothing. She traced his tiny little nose with her finger, over and over again.

"You look just like him, your nose. I can't wait to see your smile. I can't wait to see those dimples in each check." She caressed his cheeks and his lips. Was she crazy, even his moves were like his. God, he was perfect. Then she heard someone knocking at the door.

"Can I come in?" It was her lawyer, Duncan.

"Sure, come in."

"I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"

"No, he will be sleeping at least for an hour," she said hopefully.

"Good, so can we talk?"

"Sure." She was scared about the next step. The baby was born, and the arrangement ended in 6 months, and then what, what was waiting for her? Jail.

"Listen, we can do this. You are ready to do it, I can do it, a year, whatever you need."

"You really can do that? Give me more time?" she asked. She was sad and scared. "I really want to…" She looked at her baby and held him tight against her chest. "I… he… he needs me."  


"I know Kate, I know, that's why, if that know what you need, I can to do that, until the DA starts giving me problems. Everything is going to be fine. So how long do you need?"

"As much as you can give us." She never looked at Duncan; she kept her eyes on him.

"Good. Does he have a name yet?" Duncan looked at the baby now.

"Yes, Aaron. Aaron James Austen-Ford." Something wasn't right with that name, but she had to do it. It was the only way to protect him.

"Nice, nice name for a big boy like him. Did he give you a hard time?" Duncan, more than her lawyer had become a friend, a good friend. He cares about her.

"You have no idea." She closed her eyes for a second and giggled a little, because oh yeah, it was really hard.

"Poetic, isn't it?" he said. She was confused. "Your baby was born a year after the plane crash. Today is Sept. 22, 2005."

Oh my God he was right. Aaron came into the world on the first anniversary of the plane crash. She started labor yesterday, but he didn't want to arrive, not just yet. Was that why he waited to arrive that day? To remind her how that event changed her life forever. That day was tragic, but as of today, it was going to be special, very special.

The baby started to wake up, crying. He was moving now, this time in her arms. It was an amazing sensation having him now there. Molly was at the door. She was really good with babies, she knew everything about them. She was like a gift Duncan gave her as soon she arrived from the island. At first Molly didn't know she was pregnant, but she found out just looking at her, and she kept the secret. "Sorry, Kate, I think he is hungry." Molly sounded really confident in what she was saying.

"Yeah I think so," Kate said, looking at her, waiting for her to tell her what to do next.

"Well I better get going. I will call you later, maybe tomorrow. Now you really need to rest, you look tired," Duncan said.

Of course she was, just a few hours ago she gave birth after more than 12 hours of labor. But for some reason she wasn't that tired. She just wanted to be with him, and now for the first time she was going to feed him. She felt a warm sensation everywhere, his tiny hands in hers, the best feeling in the world, nothing would compare to that, nothing. Everything was going to be fine.

Almost 3 years later, everything was over. Her trial was over, she needed it to be over, she needed to be free, she needed to be with her son, every minute of every day. Now she was free, but her happiness wasn't complete. She went downstairs, and Aaron was watching cartoons. As soon as she saw him a smile appeared on her face.

" Are you ready to go buddy?"

"Mommy." He stood up and gave a little run toward his mom. "Park, mommy."

"Yeah we are going to the park, baby."

Then he looked at the TV and there was a commercial about Disneyland. Aaron said, "Mickey, mommy look, Mickey." She had never been to Disneyland before.

"Kate, some day you have to take him to Disneyland," Molly said. "He loves Mickey and Donald. He is going to love it."

But Kate wasn't able to do it, not yet. In her dreams, she always dreamed she could go there, but with James. But now it seemed like she was going to do it, but not with him. She was going to do it with their son.

"Yes, I think I will, in a couple of years, I will. You would like that bubby, when you turn five." She showed with her fingers how much 5 were. He kissed her, he loved her, she was his mommy. She remembered her conversation with Claire. She never thought this was going to be so natural, being a mom.

In the park he was playing with another kid, about his same age. He was tall for his age, but he was a baby, just looking at his moves. She got distracted for a few minutes because she was talking with the mother of the kid Aaron was playing with. When she looked back at him, there was a man standing next to him. That scared her to death. She got up and ran but seemed like she never was going to reach him, and when she did, she picked him up. She was so scared, and the other woman ran too, took her kid and left soon after. When Kate looked at the man, she was in shock.

"Jack?" He was starting to grow a beard, his eyes looked tired and red.

"Hey Kate."

"Jack, what do you think you are doing? You scared me to death." She was angry.

"I changed my mind, I want to see the baby now." He sounded crazy.

"Jack, stop doing this, and besides you are drunk." She was getting angrier every second.

"Well, I'm here, why we don't go and get the coffee?"

"What are you talking about? I'm not going to get any coffee with you, you are drunk."

"I just had few drinks after work, that's it." He grabbed her arm, which hurt.

"Let go of me." She moved backwards and started walking to the car.

Aaron was scared of the situation. He had never has seen his mom like that, but he couldn't understand what was going on. "Mommy."

"Shhh, honey, mommy is here." She opened the back door of the car and she seated him in the car seat, closing the door as fast as she could.

Jack was standing there, staring at the baby. "He is beautiful. He is a big boy."

"Thanks," she said, trying to be polite. Now with the door closed, she could talk to him. "Jack, listen, you are not going to get near him again in this state. You are drunk; you are totally wasted."

"Kate, I'm fine, I just had few drinks. that's all."

"The hospital knows about this? Jack, you are drunk, not just with a few drinks. I don't want…"

He grabbed Kate again, this time both arms. He was hurting her physically, he was intoxicated, his breath reeked of vodka she noticed, and it made her sick. She remembered his breath, Wayne, every time he was drunk he smelled like that. She was getting sick; she couldn't continue. She took all the force within her and released her arm from him. "Let me go."

"What's stopping you, Kate? What is stopping you from doing this?" He was crazy, and it didn't make any sense, She was completely confused, dizzy, and sick. "What is stopping you, Kate? He isn't here. He isn't here, so what is stopping you?"

"Shut up. Just shut up." She was trying to contain her tears. She was angry, and she was sad.

"It's time to move on. I'm here. I saw the baby."

"You are not going to get near my baby again. Listen, NEVER, Jack. Never. You are drunk."

"He is not here, Kate. He is dead." Just his words hurt her even more, he was dead, James was dead. "He is dead, and he is not…"

"But I loved him, I loved him, and I still love him." God, why did she never tell him that? Why wasn't she able to say I love you? Now he is dead, and he would never hear that from her. But she had to be strong, for their baby. "I loved him, and I always will." Tears falling down, she continued, "I don't want to see you. Don't call. Stop stalking me. And if you do it again, I'll call the cops." She waited few seconds. "Goodbye, Jack". She left him standing there. She had to be careful, she was driving, and her son was in the back seat.

She went back home, and Aaron ran to Molly, who was waiting with a piece of chocolate cake. But when she looked at Kate, she got worried. "Kate, hon, are you alright?"

"Yes, Molly, I just…I just need a moment alone." She had been crying. She went downstairs, and locked herself in her bedroom, and then went straight to the bathroom. She washed her face, taking off all the makeup. She looked up to the mirror and there she was, her true reflection. She was there. Freckles. James's Freckles. She was trying to be someone else, and it was a cover up, a lie. She was Freckles. She stood there and cried, staring in the mirror, knowing she will never hear him call her Freckles again.

LOST.


End file.
